Can God cause good to emerge from suffering?

This article is a short note I made while reading “The Case for Faith” by Lee Strobel, pages 72-73. I’ve included it here in the hope that others might find it edifying and comforting too. It certainly rang true to me. Here then are my notes:

Several years earlier, Marc had been shoveling snow on his driveway when his wife said she was going to move the car and asked him to watch their young daughter. As the car backed out, they were suddenly thrust into the worst nightmare that parents can imagine: their toddler was crushed beneath a wheel.

Like the African woman, Marc has known what it’s like to hold a dying child in his arms. While I wasn’t able to converse with that grieving mother, I could converse with him. So deep was Marc’s initial despair that he had to ask God to help him breathe, to help him eat, to help him function at the most fundamental level. Otherwise, he was paralyzed by the emotional pain. But he increasingly felt God’s presence, his grace, his warmth, his comfort, and very slowly, over time, his wounds began to heal.

Having experienced God at his point of greatest need, Marc would emerge from this crucible a changed person, abandoning his career in business to attend seminary. Through his suffering – though he never would have chosen it, though it was horribly painful, though it was life-shattering at the time – Marc has been transformed into someone who would devote the rest of life to bringing God’s compassion to others who are alone in their desperation.

In the pulpit for the first time, Marc was able to draw on his own experiences with God in the depths of sorrow. People were captivated because his own loss had given him special insights, empathy, and credibility. In the end, dozens of them responded by saying they too wanted to know this Jesus, this God of tears. Now other hearts were being healed because of Marc’s having been broken. From one couple’s despair emerges new hope for many.

“Sometimes skeptics scoff at the Bible saying that God can cause good to emerge from our pain if we run toward him instead of away from him,” Marc said. “But I’ve watched it happen in my own life. I’ve experienced God’s goodness through deep pain , and no skeptic can dispute that. The God who the skeptic denies is the same God who held our hands in the deep, dark places, who strengthened our marriage, who deepened our faith, who increased our reliance on him, who gave us two more children, and who infused our lives with new purpose and meaning so that we can make a difference to others.”

Now some scripture passages the Lord brought to mind concerning the above that I wanted to share with you:

Come, and let us return unto the Lord:
for he hath torn, and he will heal us;
he hath smitten, and he will bind us up.
(Hosea 6:1)

God meets us in our broken places.

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart;
and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
(Psalm 34:18)

Love is the key:

For in Jesus Christ neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision; but faith which worketh by love.
(Galatians 5:6)

A Good Quality of Life

Unshakable Hope

I’ve been thinking a lot about quality of life issues lately. More specifically, I’ve been trying to figure out why some people that (in the natural) possess virtually everything we think would make for a good quality of life, yet they’re miserable. Conversely, many others have almost none of the ingredients that we think must be in the mix for a good quality of life, but they seem perfectly content.

I think about this issue more and more as life with ALS becomes an even greater challenge. If ALS takes its natural course, the victim will die of respiratory failure. The muscles needed to breathe become weaker and weaker to the point where you just can’t breathe anymore. Oftentimes the flu or pneumonia are just too much for those with advanced ALS and can speed up this respiratory failure.

I had a severe case of the flu in February, and…

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How to overcome the world

1 John 5:5
Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?

The Spirit of Truth quietly brought three Holy Scripture passages to mind this morning. There is great hope in adversity, though I understand from my own experience that maintaining this hope can be a challenge. If you are a believer in Christ, and you are suffering, this should give you great encouragement because you have been counted worthy to suffer for His sake:

Hebrews 2:10
For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons unto glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings.

Philippians 1:29
For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake;

Revelation 2:11
He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death.

Revelation 2:11, given above, is said by the Lord in the context of the Church of Smyrna, who is instructed by Him to: “…fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.”

So we are to endure until the end of our lives, no matter what, and only then will we be saved spiritually.

Other Holy Scripture verses on overcoming the world:

1 John 5:4
For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith.

Revelation 2:7
He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God.

Revelation 2:17
He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.

Revelation 2:26
And he that overcometh, and keepeth my works unto the end, to him will I give power over the nations:

Revelation 3:5
He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels.

Revelation 3:12
Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God, and he shall go no more out: and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, which is new Jerusalem, which cometh down out of heaven from my God: and I will write upon him my new name.

Revelation 3:21
To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.

Revelation 21:7
He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son.

Now for some essays on this site giving hope and encouragement during adversity:

1. Songs in the Night
2. The Joy of the Lord Jesus

Finally, remember these next passages, as they will give you great hope. God will help you carry your cross daily if you continue trusting in Him:

Hebrews 13:5
Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.

1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

My testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ, who has the power and wisdom of God

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

I have testified on this website that I have suffered from demonic attacks since 2004. Shortly after the attacks began, I had two strange experiences, on two separate occasions, that I wanted to recount here for the edification and comfort of others. I am certain I am not the only person on earth who has been afflicted with demons, so wanted to offer what hope and consolation I can at this point in time to others. At any rate, the experiences both occurred during dreams.

In the first, I partially awoke to a demon attempting to pull something invisible out of the centre of my chest, right over my heart. Though there was a pleasant sensation to what he was doing, I knew that it was wrong spiritually so spoke up immediately. I said, “No, stop!” The fallen one asked, “Why?” To which I replied, steadfastly, “Because I don’t want to be open to EVIL.”

At this moment the demon was blown back away from me, as though by a mighty wind. I was astonished to witness this in my dream and knew without a doubt that God had honoured my decision to keep protecting my heart spiritually. This was what I wanted to make people understand and be comforted by: that God is merciful, has unlimited power over demons, and will honour our spiritual decisions.

The second incident I wanted to talk about occurred a few months later (to the best of my recollection), while I was struggling to find my childhood faith in the Lord Jesus Christ again. I was, again, being harassed by demons in my dreams when, suddenly, a calm and familiar male voice spoke from behind me. I couldn’t see who spoke but I remember his words. He simply said, “Make the sign of the cross.” I suddenly felt empowered or inspired spiritually within my dream and found myself saying, “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost” while crossing myself.

Again, to my awestruck eyes, I saw ALL the demons blown backwards into the distance as though struck by a tornado. I am 100% convinced the Person who spoke was the Lord Jesus, who saves to the uttermost those who call upon Him in faith (Hebrews 7:25).

Some Holy Scripture passages glorifying Christ and His power that seem pertinent to the above testimony:

1 Corinthians 1:18
For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God.

1 Corinthians 1:24
But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God.

1 Corinthians 2:4-5
And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man’s wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:
That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

My testimony

Childhood faith in Jesus

When I was a young girl, around 4-6 years of age (approximately), my parents witnessed the story of Christ’s crucifixion to me.  I was very little and humble, as most kids are, and I believed the truth of what I heard immediately.

My parents later read me stories from the “Children’s Bible” and I took to them wholeheartedly.  I used to gaze at pictures of the boy prophet Samuel and imagine that I too could minister to the Lord as a child priest.  I sometimes practiced acts requiring great faith such as dividing the Red Sea with an imaginary staff, as Moses did, or keeping evil vampires at bay with a crucifix.  I remember saying aloud – as a child’s honest prayer to God – that I wanted to be an Israelite, a follower of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

The above was my response to the Old Testament.  My response to the New Testament was just as fervent.  I believed in Jesus Christ wholeheartedly, telling my parents that I wished I could sit at His feet and listen to His teachings.  One interesting experience I had was when I was ill with a fever one day.  I remember putting my hand out and praying earnestly to Christ, from my whole heart, to heal me.  I then sensed an invisible presence move towards me comfortingly, and the fever left me so that I was able to fall into a restful sleep.

During my primary school years I tried to live out Jesus’ teachings: loving God first and foremost with all your heart, then loving your neighbour as yourself.  But I struggled with pride, self-will and fear of rejection.  I was also very rebellious, saying one day proudly to my father, “I don’t need to follow God, I can do things myself” (or words to that effect).  My father just looked at me steadily, with a slight smile on his face, and said quietly, “You’ll come back to it.”

I should add that I also remember several unpleasant spiritual experiences that occurred to me in the wake of finding faith in Jesus.  I suffered from bad dreams occasionally, including dreaming that my bed was spinning around on its own axis and levitating: I now know that these experiences were demonic but believe the Lord didn’t suffer them to continue as I was too young at that stage to understand what was occurring.

My parents were very strict with me growing up, in an attempt to teach me obedience and respect for authority (both of which are necessary to find faith in God and keep His commandments).  At the time, however, I didn’t understand the purpose behind their strictness, so felt miserable, unloved and rebellious (Proverbs 23:13-14, Hebrews 5:8, Matthew 18:3).

During my childhood I was exposed to people of faith on both sides of my family – both sets of grandparents were Christians in fact – but the person who made the biggest impression on me was my grandmother on my mother’s side, Mary.  Mary was quiet and gentle (1 Peter 3:4), with a forgiving sense of humour when laughed at or provoked.  She was also humble – my mother often talked about how well Mary kept house, even scrubbing the stone step on her knees when it needed cleansing (1 Timothy 5:14).

As a child who often had tantrums and other fits of bad temper, I found it incredible when my mother told me of Mary’s patience: she once made my mother a very elaborate meal of rissoles then quietly took it away when Mum didn’t want it anymore.  She had the true fruit of the Spirit that every real Christian is to have (Colossians 3:12-17).

When Mary died my mother gave me the source of all her patience and good character – her faith in her Saviour Jesus, stemming from her King James Bible.

We never went to church regularly during my childhood but Mum always ensured that we kept up remembrance of God through saying grace before each meal:

“Lord make us truly thankful,

For what we are about to receive,

For Christ’s sake,

Amen.”

High school to University

I vacillated between being a faithful Christian, drawn to the Lord Jesus and His Father, and being agnostic.

At University, I had a deep longing to be loved, due to my misunderstanding of my parents’ strictness in trying to teach me obedience to authority.  When I met my future husband at 18, he said to me, “I don’t believe in God.”  At the time his statement caused my spirit to shift uncomfortably but the human drive within me to be loved was so strong that I overrode the spirit.  I remember consciously choosing to love an unbelieving man over God.

I fell in love with this man – Luther – and retained a vague thankfulness to some higher authority (though I was no longer a believer) for the many joys I experienced in life.

Yet I was struggling intellectually and spiritually at University.  I noticed that as students progressed in the course I was studying (Medicine), they became less friendly and cooperative with each other, more ambitious.  Their characters seemed to change, and not for the better to my eyes.  I also struggled with the demands of study, failing several subjects and having to repeat them.  Other students seemed to have less difficulty with their memories but mine troubled me.

In the end I dropped out of Medicine half-way through 5th year, then took a break.  With my boyfriend Luther’s encouragement I took up a new course, IT, which I hoped I would be better suited to.

Karate school

In the late 1990’s, while I was studying IT, my brother Ben invited me to join a karate school he was attending.  This I did, though I had some concerns about the characters of the people running the school.  My then boyfriend Luther expressed it best by saying that there was “something stinky” about the instructor, and he was cautious of him therefore.

I later found out that the instructor was molesting some of his students/seducing them, plus having affairs on his wife.  There were rumours that he had placed cameras in the girls’ change-rooms, which added to a palpable sense of evil and dread that I had whenever I entered the school.

I now believe the school was almost overrun by demons of fornication and evil.  It took almost all of my remaining strength to leave the school (and not be overcome by its seductive, carnal pull) but I was damaged in all ways: physically, mentally and spiritually.  I tried my best to fight what I sensed was evil in the school by going to a detective (to check for hidden cameras), then to the police.  However, none of it did any good.  It was a hard lesson to learn but, as Christ Himself says, “Without me ye can do nothing” (John 15:5).

USA trip

Soon after I left the karate school my boyfriend (who then became my husband) Luther got transferred overseas.  I was told I could go with him, but we had to be married to do so.

At first I was rebellious about marrying, then, when we were, I felt happy to be a wife with a husband.  It felt right in my heart and soul.  I married my first partner.

However, I was unable, try as I might, to find employment in the USA.  I remember almost praying for a job (and being unconsciously angry at God, though I was not a believer at this stage), but none materialised.  So I then decided to keep house and not be a burden to Luther.  I washed and cleaned, surfing the Net when I had time.

One night Luther directed me to some writings by a man called Steve Kangas.  They were on left wing politics.  I started reading and became intrigued by Steve’s character.  He was thoughtful to others, went the extra mile in his duties, gave to those in need, and died in the end for his cause.  I quite literally fell in love with those aspects of his personality that I saw in his writings, becoming grief-stricken to the point where I saw no meaning in life any more once I realized he had either been murdered or suicided.  As I said to my husband, Steve’s life and character “reminded me of God.”  It was unbearable to me therefore that such a beautiful person had been trampled upon, thrown away forever.  I then tried to keep Steve’s memory alive by building a website devoted to his writings.  I tried to make peace between both the left and right sides of politics by including both viewpoints in the site.

The buffeting/damage I’d given myself spiritually at the karate school, plus the damage I took grieving for Steve, shifted my consciousness onto a different plane from the purely materialistic. One night I had a strange experience: I was drawn up from my bed and what felt like an arrow of fire pierced my chest, flooding my body with an oddly ecstatic feeling.  I was then dropped back onto the bed.  Later (perhaps that same night, I cannot now recall), I was awoken from sleep by a strange vision.  The vision was of a golden egg which spoke to me and said, to the best of my recollection, that I would never fall sick again.  In 2006 I wrote about these experiences here on this site: this was before I became a practicing Christian so please read what I wrote with care and discernment.

For a long time I believed that because the vision looked friendly and spoke nicely to me, that it must have a good source.  It was only when I got a slight cold (after the promise that I’d never be sick again) that I began to doubt.  I then wondered, “How can you tell if something behind a nice vision is good or evil?”

Around this time, while I was looking into the spiritual side of life, my brother gave me some books on New Age religion.  I trusted my brother Ben, and knew very little about any kind of religious doctrine (except what little I could recall from my children’s Bible), so I embraced the teachings with an open mind and heart.

One night, after my husband and I had returned from the USA back to Australia, I was reading the New Age teachings when I had a strange experience.  I felt descending upon me invisible hands, molesting my body.  I had no control whatsoever over the hands, the experience was disgusting and terrifying.  Though it felt physically pleasant, I knew it was wrong spiritually so burst into tears.  I remember weeping to my husband, saying, “How can He (meaning God) love me now?”  I felt soiled and unholy.

Return to Christianity – Orthodox Church

In the wake of the spiritual experience with the invisible hands, I began looking online for explanations.  The only religion I found that described the kind of spiritual evil I was experiencing was Biblical Christianity: it called this evil demons.  I was also concerned to read in the Bible that the “ascended masters” my brother Ben was following with his New Age religion were in reality demons from the pit of hell.  Ben told me they were “flaming beings”, which fit exactly with how angels (including the fallen ones who sinned against God) are described in the Bible.

More out of terrified obedience than love (Psalm 111:10), I returned to Christianity, and then tried to find a faithful Church that stuck to a plain, literal interpretation of the Bible.  I had what my husband described as a “conversion” and made the decision to follow the Lord first and foremost.  My husband was very jealous at the time and kept asking who my “new man” was!

Before I found a church to join, I emailed my family (including my brother Ben) a warning on all world religions that were not Bible-believing Christianity.  I told them I had found faith in Christ again after making a grave spiritual error and urged them to do the same.  To my surprise and shock, all my siblings came around to my apartment and I immediately understood that they did not believe me but thought my faith was a sign of mental illness (Luke 12:51-53).  There was a division now spiritually between myself and the rest of my family.

My family actually called the CAT team around to my apartment but I panicked, grabbed my handbag, and fled to a nunnery at an Orthodox Church I had been attending.

I was a faithful member of St Nicholas’ Antiochian Orthodox Church for at least 12 months, living as a novice in one of its nunneries, but eventually left.  The reasons I left included the following:

1)      The character of the Sister I was living with did not have the true fruits of the Spirit spoken of in the Bible eg. Galatians 5:22 and Ephesians 5:9.

  1. In particular, she could not discern truth from error eg. she was convinced a Nigerian email scam letter was a genuine movement of God to give her money for a monastery.
  2. She did not welcome visitors to the monastery with patience or gentleness but grew visibly irritated with them, as she felt they were interrupting her prayer time.  She was even irritated with little children, when Jesus says children have the closest characters to people in heaven (Matthew 19:14).
  3. She did not want to actively spread the gospel or minister to people, preferring to pray for “enlightenment” (or sanctification of the heart), over and over again, in solitude.  The Bible calls such prayers “vain repetitions” (Matthew 6:7) and Jesus warns against doing this.

2)      They had practices and traditions that made the Word of God of non-effect, or profaned it eg. selling “holy” water for money.  The latter contradicts Christ’s commandment to His disciples in Matthew 10:8, “Freely have ye received (of the Holy Ghost), freely give.”

After leaving the Orthodox Church, I attended many other Christian, Bible-believing churches in Melbourne.  I was trying to obey the commandment in Hebrews 10:25 to not forsake assembling together with other believers.  However, problems ensued.  I quite literally found no church in Melbourne where people were willing to follow the examples of Christ and His apostles/followers (including Paul) and become “conformed to the image of His Son.”  Romans 8:29 states that God the Father picked souls He knew would accept Christ during their earthly lives, and that He planned for these souls to be refashioned in the image of His dear Son.  To do this, they would have to live lives patterned after that of Christ and His followers (such as Paul), who knew they worshipped a holy, merciful, just and fearsome God (Acts 17:22-28).  Those lives should be filled with the fruits of the Spirit in each person’s character, leading to good deeds based on faith (Galatians 5:22, James 2:22).  Their lives should be self-sacrificial, directed to loving the one true God first and foremost (as His nature is revealed through close reading of the Old and New Testaments), then your neighbour as yourself (Luke 10:25-28).

Yet many churches I joined were worldly (1 John 2:15, 2 Corinthians 4:18, Colossians 3:2) or else had fallen away from the truth of God’s Word (2 Timothy 4:3, 2 Thessalonians 2:1-4).  The latter was of grave concern to me spiritually as it indicated that the existence of “watered down” (or apostate) Christianity, mingled with other religions into one big, unholy, mass, heralded the coming of the Antichrist and the end of the world.  The Bible prophecies that the Antichrist will head up a one-world religion (with “lying signs and wonders” – such as the one I was given in the USA – behind it, as per 2 Thessalonians 2:8-10), which will deceive everyone who is not a true follower of Christ.

True followers of Christ will be persecuted, as they stick to living out the simple truths of God’s Words in the Holy Scriptures, but are exhorted by Christ to be faithful to Him “unto death” and they will inherit eternal life (Revelation 2:10).

We are exhorted to live holy, humble, self-sacrificial lives in obedience to God’s Words in both the Old and New Testaments (but especially the New).  We are told we must love God and our neighbour with everything we’ve got, and that our hearts must not be divided, or we just won’t have the kind of faith that stands up to persecution and death (Luke 6:49).

The Holy Scriptures in both the Old and New Testaments have great promise of a new heaven and a new earth for believers, where order and peace are restored – even between animals that once preyed upon each other (Isaiah 11:6, Isaiah 65:17, Isaiah 66:22, 2 Peter 3:13, Revelation 3:12, Revelation 21:1-2).

But we need to be actively striving, with everything we’ve got, to live humble, separate from the world (ie. holy), blameless lives – the straight and narrow gate to heaven (Matthew 7:13-14, Luke 13:24).  If we do not work with God’s Holy Spirit to transform our characters by living out His commandments (see Christ’s sermon on the mount in Matthew 5-7), we will become foolish virgins or unprofitable servants (Matthew 25:1-3, Matthew 25:24-30).

It is not that doing things makes us right in God the Father’s eyes.  Rather that, faith that Jesus redeemed the fleshy, bodily side of us by coming to earth as the perfect Man (as He was also God), then sacrificing Himself on the cross…this faith in what Christ did means believers can have fellowship with the Father again.  If Christ had not sacrificed Himself (1 Peter 1:19), nothing any human could have done would ever have made them right in the Father’s eyes.  This is because even our best and truest acts have traces of selfishness (or sin ie. not doing God’s will but your own) in them.  So we are covered by Christ’s blood in the same way that the Israelites were covered by the Passover lamb’s blood on their door lintels in the Old Testament (Exodus 12:23).  I’m sorry if this explanation isn’t very good or detailed.  Basically, you just have to trust that Christ’s sacrifice makes you OK in the Father’s eyes, freeing you up to wholeheartedly do good deeds in His eyes.  Then, as Christ knows who you are (because you genuinely lived your whole life patterned after His, even up to your death), you can stand before Him on Judgement Day (James 2:22, Luke 21:36, Ephesians 6:13, Revelation 6:17) and be accepted before His Father.

One existing false Christ

Maitreya.  This being sits behind New Age religion and is a so-called “World Teacher” whom many non-Christian religions are waiting for.  His symbol is a six-pointed star (hexagram) and his powers come straight from Satan.  I have read there will be a “Day of Declaration” where he will telepathically message everyone on the planet to pretend that he is the one true God…however, we shouldn’t focus too much on him but on living holy, blameless lives to ensure we serve the real Jesus Christ so are kept from worshipping the Antichrist or False Christs (Revelation 3:10, Revelation 7:3, Revelation 9:4).  If we know who the real God is (holy, humble, merciful, self-sacrificing, just), we won’t fall for an imposter.

Christ Himself warned of the existence of False Christs at the end of the age, and said He has already given us the sign of His coming (His death and resurrection).  So signs and wonders, and people claiming to be Christ today, are sent to test out who God’s real followers are: Matthew 24:24, Mark 13:22, Matthew 12: 38-40.

There are instructions in the New Testament on how Christian men and women are to live their lives.  Scriptures for women:

As believers in Christ, we are to forsake all worldly things/attachments, ready to give to whoever may need them:

  • Luke 14:33, Matthew 19:27-30 (this is a promise of life to come in the New Kingdom, in return for forsaking worldly goods in the present time)

We are to become as humble, open and trusting (and honest) as little children, then only can we enter the Kingdom of God:

If we sin after we have accepted Christ, we can pray to Jesus directly to forgive us (as He is our advocate with the Father).  We don’t need to confess to any human being:

We are to love not just with words but actions

Here is how believers overcome the Antichrist during the end times (which we are in):

  • Revelation 12:11: “And they overcame him by the blood of the lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death.”

Hope for you in tribulation

  • 1 John 4:4: “…greater is he that is in you (ie. Christ) than he that is in the world (ie. Satan)”

Put on the armour of God to stand strong spiritually against the powers of darkness

How I came to faith most recently (ie. 2013)

After leaving the Orthodox Church in 2004, I struggled to find a church in Melbourne that was really keeping Christ’s commandments.  In fact, I could find none that were.  Exhausted and disillusioned, still suffering from demons, I fell away from faith.  I went back to the world (ie. got a job), reunited with my husband (we had separated when I went to the nunnery), and “slumbered and slept” spiritually (Matthew 25:1-12).  I saw a psychiatrist instead of praying to the Lord, though the drugs she gave me did not help at all.

Interestingly, when I reunited with my husband he refused to go near me physically, hence we both became celibate.  We still loved each other, and still do, but I believe the hand of the Lord was there to prevent me falling into further sin/fornication.  As I’d married outside the Lord, and was still suffering from demons of fornication, I could not be with my husband physically and be OK spiritually.

As time passed, and the celibacy/abstinence continued, the torment of the demons lessened noticeably.  I have now been celibate for 9 years and the sensations are much less than when I first began.

A combination of factors occurred most recently to bring me to faith:

  • Feeling uncomfortable in a “leadership” role

I have never liked being a leader, and am in fact a happy helper and natural follower.

At NAB, I was put into a leadership role over men, which really embarrassed me.  I felt bossy and lacking in authority.

As Christ commands us to be servants who minister to each other, the above was going against what people should be like in the Kingdom of God.  Hence my feeling uncomfortable with it.

  • Being physically/carnally pressured by 2 men in the team at NAB.

This brought back memories of the spiritual darkness I fought at the karate school.

One of the guys kept putting his hands on me.  Though it was non-intimate, I felt very uncomfortable.  I only like my husband and my cat Buster touching me – people/creatures I know very well and trust.

The other guy was a Christian, though in the Catholic Church.  Though I was a non-believer at the time, I saw that he was not truly living the teachings of Christ.  He was eating lots of food, staring at my body and lips, and talking about how much “fun” it would be to see prostitutes in Thailand.

All of the above stirred up my spirit and made me realise that I agreed with all of the values held in the Bible eg. it is good to be spiritual and not earthly or carnal, it is good to be faithful to your spouse, etc.

  • My husband then went overseas for 2 weeks to the USA, so I had lots of time on my own.  This lead to contemplating where I was going in life and I realised I was craving stillness and solitude.  I saw that I was very unhappy and wanted to turn away from the world completely: I hated it.
  • I then came across a picture of Michael the Archangel on the Internet, striking with his sword.  The purity and inexorable decisiveness of what he was doing struck me – the beauty of holiness.  I was drawn to him due to what he represented and slowly found myself drawn back to the Bible.  At one stage I even heard myself say happily, “The Bible is a beautiful book, so much wisdom is in it…though I’m not a believer.”
  • It was then like there was a battle between two sides of me, the physical and the spiritual.  A line from the Bible struck me and I burst into tears: “If you have faith as a grain of mustard seed ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you” (Matthew 17:20).  When I read this, I knew I did have faith (or, rather, that I had been given it by God) and I had to then make a choice.
  • I remember consciously choosing the seed of faith in my heart over the logical mind (which was battling my heart).  I said to the Lord, “This will be difficult because my husband is not a believer, but I’ll try.  I promise to try.”

So it was that I came back again to faith in Jesus Christ our Saviour.  I pray that this is where I will remain eternally, and not just me but others I have met (such as you) who I care about.